Wanted: Tough, Smart Lawyer

Now that John Ashcroft has submitted his resignation, President Bush should set out on a careful search for our next Attorney General. I have three suggestions:

Jim Adler

"Hurt in a car accident? Look at me, I'm Jim Adler, the tough, smart lawyer (or the "Tough Texas Hammer" or simply the "Texas Hammer"). I'm here to get you every penny you have coming..."

I believe Adler would go after the accused terrorists at Guantanamo as hard as he goes after insurance companies for clients in phony neck braces – and friends, that's hard. With Jim Adler on America's side, criminals may as well just give up. France has already asked to settle out of court.

Plusses: A tough, smart lawyer. Willing to fight for every penny America has coming. Will keep hammerin' and hammerin' until, well, until I don't know when. Minuses: National syndication of his commercials. End of the insurance industry. May not be as tough or smart as he claims.

Brian Loncar

Loncar's motto is "Call in the Strong Arm!" You might as well through a couple more exclamation points, because this Texas Tech Law grad looks to be the next Jim Adler!!!

Plusses: A strong arm – could conceivably double as Attorney General and No. 5 starter for the Washington Senators. Texas Tech connection ensures ties with fellow law school grad. Mike Leach. Minuses: Mike Leach connection. Hairline.

R.A. Gabriel

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R.A. Gabriel could be coaxed out of retirement and change his slogan to, "the Attorney General who sends flowers." Plusses: With a soft touch, he could prod reticent terrorists into giving up with bouquets of babies' breath and tiger lilies. Minuses: Seems more interested in botany than in getting every penny his client has coming. America must not be short-changed.

Bonus: Find any R.A. Gabriel reference on the Internet. A guy like that can't just fade into oblivion, can he?