The many faces of a former vice president

Since Al Gore's bearded look worked for him about as well as his recount, the previously calm and robotic Senator has adopted another approach. He has a scream. The way Gore loudly attacked the Bush Admin. shouldn't really surprise anyone. He's of course trying to remold himself into a socially acceptable package. Problem is, Gore is always months or years late.

After shaking off the robot-Al motif of the 2000 campaign, he adopted the "Sex-machine Al."



That worked for Clinton, right? Of course, no one wanted to see Gore suck out Tipper's tonsils. So after the election, Gore grew a beard and tried to become the George W.-Gore (also known as the every man Gore). You've all seen Gore with a beard, but have you ever seen him try and resemble Bush as much as this photo?



Since George W. -Gore didn't work either, Gore's adopted the screaming Democrat motif. Now that may have worked months ago, but now, after the Dean Scream, yelling isn't so chic. But no one told Al.



Finally, the National Review writes Republicans should be happy the new Al Gore has turned into a screamer:

However, speaking privately, some in the GOP were not at all unhappy with Gore's speech. "We're delighted by it," said one GOP strategist, "because what you see now is a coalescing of the 'blame America first' wing of the Democratic party that has been largely absent from the stage since 1984."

The strategist explained that Gore's emotional performance, like earlier speeches the former vice president has given assailing the Bush administration, will not appeal to the great majority of voters. "It was an anger-filled speech before an angry audience belonging to an angry group," the Republican insider continued. "All these things are a turnoff to people."

Letter of the week

Since I get very little in my blog's email address, this regular feature will spotlight junk mail until someone real writes me. And that may be a while. Comments or funny questions may be sent to orthogonianblog@yahoo.com.

This week's winner, James Momoh, writes to me from Lagos, Nigeria.

From: Dr.James Momoh.
H.O.D. Clinical Pharmacology,
University of Lagos,
Lagos State,
Nigeria.

I am Dr.James Momoh, the Head of Department of Clinical Pharmacology and Director of research, at the University of Lagos,Lagos State Nigeria. I write to solicit your assistance in a project of mutual benefits.

We got your contact over the Internet.

In February 1999, a research grant (US$12.5Million) was given to my department with I leading a team ofother clinical pharmacologists, by the Pharmaceutical Society of Nigeria, to conduct a research on the effect of a Slocal plant extract on Sickle Cell Disease in Nigeria.

The research has since been concluded (specifically in August 2002). Of the total amount given to us for the research purposes we only expended US$4.2Million leaving a balance of US$8.3 Million.

We are contacting you with a view to transferring this balance out for our own use. We have put in over 25 years of our lives into working for the government and as academics we do NOT have anything to show for it, hence this opportunity we see as a God-Sent one. We sincerely hope that you will be of assistance to us.

I implore you to treat this mail as confidentially as possible as we are still active academicians, though retiring in the first quarter of next year. If you are not in a position to assist us, do not respond to this mail and we apologize for taking your time. Upon receipt of your acceptance to assist us in this, we will negotiate on what should be your take from this ammount for helping us.

We await your response.

Sincrely yours.

Dr.James Momoh.

And here's the letter I wrot back to Dr. James Momoh:

Dear Dr. Momoh:

I have closely followed your experiments regarding the Slocal plant. It seemed to me that you were close to a breakthrough. Congratulations. I am also a big fan of the Lagos State Colonels football team. I'm expecting big things from them after their winning season last year.

Regarding your proposal: count me in. I am prepared to help you in any way possible. Please contact me via this email address and possibly later we should talk by phone.

Best regards,

The Orthogonian

I don't really know anything about his experiments or school, but thought he might be impressed if I did. And I could sure use a couple million dollars.

Fashion check

Knowing a sense of style as I do, I thought I'd bring this photo to the table:



This the photograph of the Muslim cleric Great Britain will soon send to the United States for charges. But first, a fashion trial:

1. You have to start with the milk eye. I don't know what's going on there.
2. Perhaps he was influenced a bit too much by the Dread Pirate Roberts, but that hook won't help him in the states.

A blogger named Bunnie points out the obvious (which I obviously copied):

Could some Islamic terrorists look any more like caricatures of evil people if they tried? WHO HAS A HOOK FOR A HAND ANYMORE? And what's going on with that one eye?

I know that the roots of our disagreement with these folks are philosophical and religious. But aesthetically, we are also at odds.

Disconnect

It's hard to know who to hate more: Towers or yuppie BMW drivers who park illegally. But in the case of this story, everybody wins. It all started when tow truck driver Donald Wilson hooked up 33-year old Queens resident Yan Li's car for parking illegally.

She tried to stop him from taking her car. We're all sympathetic with that, but what Ms. Li did next is a bit strange. When Wilson fired up his truck and started to drive away with her car, Li jumped onto the side of the truck and held on. The New York Times reports:

For the next two miles, the woman, Yan Li, 33, of Forest Hills, Queens, stood on a running board and clung to the driver's side door while Mr. Wilson, 41, drove 20 miles per hour south on Middle Neck Road, the police said.

"He knew he should have stopped, but he didn't," Detective Sgt. Robert Anderson of the Nassau County police said on Wednesday. "The driver should have just stopped, called the police and said, 'She's interrupting my work.' "

As they drove, Ms. Li tried to call 911 on her cellphone, but Mr. Wilson reached out his window and disconnected the call, Sergeant Anderson said.

So Wilson, with one hand on the wheel, reaches out of the cab and "disconnects" the phone call? Did he grab and shut the flip phone? Did he find the 'end' key, or did he just smash it on the ground?

Police finally stopped the truck on the entrance ramp of the Long Island Expressway. Ironic justice: After being charged with wreckless endangerment to a human life, Wilson's truck was towed and impounded by a different wrecker company.

An utter waste of time

There being no Miss Cleo news to report, I figured this blog needed some Miss Cleo content anyway. In search of Miss Cleo last night, I stumbled upon the next best thing. This Miss Cleo soundboard will allow you to bust out the tarot cards on your friends in a convincing Jamaican accent.

Dead man drinking

Tricky Dicky is back in the news today, and not because of Watergate or Vietnam. Rather it’s the boozehound in the former president that's made the news. According to new reports, Nixon was too drunk to function five days into the Arab-Israeli war of 1973 and couldn't take a call from the British Prime Minister. Of course, this was at the height of Watergate and Nixon had reason to drink.

But here's the really alarming thing: Yesterday the National Archive publishes 20,000 pages of transcripted phone conversations of Henry Kissinger. The calls must paint a vivid picture of how Kissinger and the president dealt with a constitutional and military crisis. Instead, the lead story the next day is that Nixon got drunk. Truth is, they'll always have Nixon to kick around.

Mother says

I, like many others, resent our safety-first culture. Does someone really need to tell me not to lean over the rail? Or do I really need read the red paint on the curb to know I'll have to step up to get off the street? Sometimes I can't imagine how people lived 50 years ago when you didn't have that little yellow pyramid warning you of a moist floor ahead.

Friend Jason Mayer has a hot blog opinion this morning: Do away with seat belt laws. He writes:

The seat belt law has to be the worst law on the books.  Is there a more personal decision than choosing whether or not you want to wear a seat belt?  The government does not need to step into places where it is not needed, and this is one of those places.  If I choose to drive my car without wearing a safety belt, that's my choice, and the only person I could potentially hurt would be myself.  How about a little personal autonomy?  A small thing to ask for in the home of the free. 

The logic makes sense, except that while the choice to wear a seat belt is a personal decision, the consequences of not wearing it extend beyond the very personal consequence (sudden death). First, there is the slight possibility your body flies out of your car and strikes another. Or, you should take into consideration the trauma to the driver who t-boned you. They could live the rest of their life with the guilt of having caused a preventable death. How about the ambulance that recovers your body. That ain't cheap. And the coroner's time costs something too. Then there's burial, which your family presumably would pay for, unless they had insurance. Then there's your employer. You didn't give two-weeks notice before careening through the windshield. Finally, there's your family. Besides the emotional cost, if your a wage-earner, that could put your kin in a financial bind.

I don't like laws like the seatbelt law. But I'm no social darwinist either. Wearing a seatbelt isn't completely self-regarding. And if "click it or ticket" gets a few more to buckle up, then it's fine by me. As for the ad slogans, it could be worse. Ralph could have created them.

Vermont in the crosshairs

Vermont is under attack, but not by vacationing Bostonians or Canada. Vermont's real threat: Wal-Mart. After hearing word the big-box chain planned to open a couple really big boxes across Vermont, the National Trust for Historic Preservation put the entire state of Vermont on its list of endangered sites. According to a New York Times article:

"They tend to suck the economic and social life out of these downtowns, many of which wither and die as a result," said Richard Moe, president of the trust. "I think it will drastically affect the character of Vermont, which I think is unique."

So worried about a Wal-Mart invasion, they've put the entire state on the endangered species list. Talk about paranoid. Don't they know Vermont already has a Wal-Mart, two K-Marts, some Chilis', Starbucks, Best Buys, Olive Gardens… Maybe the fine people of Vermont would boycott Wal-Mart and chase 'em back to Arkansas. But maybe Vermonters are just like all other Americans, including the fine patriots of Ft. Payne, Ala., who like their cars big, their water bottled and their one-stop shopping in one huge box (with a McDonald's inside).

What to do

Walked into my public library yesterday looking for a book my brother recommended. But looking for Kiyosaki's Rich Dad, Poor Dad sent me into the financial/self help section of the library. I never knew what ridiculous was until this day.

Just looking at some of the book titles explains why half this country is in debt and the other half are simply misers. Instead of my Kiyosaki book, I could have picked up "Live Rich" by Pollan and Levine. Or, "Die Rich 2," which an Amazon.com page reveals is most often bought with yet another book called "Live Rich." If living rich or not rich didn't appeal to me, I could have just taken other advice. "Die Broke" sat on the shelf right next to "Don't Die Broke." But who to believe? Either way, it seems you die.

Satire and me

I'm having trouble figuring what satire really means. I know the dictionary definition: a literary work made to point out folly with irony, derision or wit. Or, a heck of a way to make a point.

I also did a Google News search for satire. Michael Moore topped the list. That brings me to a question of how Moore uses our word of the day – like a defense. When someone goes hard on Moore for factual discrepancies, he claims he's just a satirist. (Something like winning an immunity challenge). That's option No. 1 from Moore's playbook. Option No. 2 is to toss around libel charges.

Apparently this satire thing is better than I thought. I can enter the political fray, endorse and stump with a candidate and get rich off my political rants. And all these without tough questions about silly things like accuracy, because I'm a satirist. Sounds a pretty-pretty good.

Bias schmias

I'm sure Rush Limbaugh will be talking about this one before his radio program is through today. The Pew Research Center, a media watchdog, revealed a new study showing national journalists are (surprise!) nearly five-times as likely to identify themselves as liberals than as conservatives. Here are the Pew Study's important numbers:

Journalists at national outlets (2004)
Moderate - 54%
Liberal - 34%
Conservative - 7%

Journalists at national outlets (1995)
Liberal - 22%
Conservative - 5%

General public (2004)
Moderate - 41%
Liberal - 20%
Conservative - 33%

Belief in God neccesary to be moral (2004)
National media - 6%
Local media - 18%
General public - 54%

Homosexuality should be accepted by society (2004)
National media - 88%
Local media - 74%
General public - 51%

Homosexuality should be discouraged by society (2004)
National media - 5%
Local media - 14%
General public - 42%

Media coverage of President Bush has been ...
(Answered by members of the national print media, though national tv media answered similarly.)
Too critical - 9%
Not critical enough - 55%
Fair - 34%

Could it be that those saying the media is too easy on Bush are simply acting on their own beliefs? Howard Kurtz makes this point in today's Washington Post.

Lies, damned lies and Michael Moore

Michael Moore's win at the Cannes Film Festival with his new so-called documentary Fahrenheit 911 earned some unusual new critics. Apparently Moore isn't anti-Bush enough for Jean-Luc Godard, the legendary French director.

"He's not even hurting Bush," he said. "He's helping him in an underground way. Bush is either less stupid than he looks or so stupid you can't change him."

I'm not really sure what all that means, and I'm not going to spend any more time thinking about it. One thing's for sure: Godard doesn't think much of Moore either. He called him "halfway intelligent" before saying Moore "doesn't know what he's doing."

Speaking of challenging Moore's ability to make a good documentary… Link!

The bottle let me down

In any other context, the following paragraph would read like a Mad Lib. But with Michael Jackson and Macaulay Culkin's family in starring roles, this story seems just about right. From the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:

Former child star Macaulay Culkin's father, Kit Culkin, says he once discovered Michael Jackson and his then 2-year-old son, Rory, both sucking on baby bottles.

In an "Inside Edition" interview airing today, Culkin recalled the encounter, which he may include in a book.

When Culkin exclaimed, "Michael!" he said Jackson at first ignored him, then shrugged and continued sucking. Since Jackson wasn't using one of Rory's bottles, Culkin guessed he had his own.

Culkin said that Jackson seemed "harmless enough," that his children loved being with the pop star and that he didn't get bent out of shape over the bottle incident.

"I liked Michael very much when I first met him, and continued to regard him highly in the succeeding years," Culkin added.

Of course, that was one of Kit Culkin's many mistakes: Never trust a man who is willing to suck on baby bottles together with your two-year old son. Second mistake: Never leave Michael Jackson alone with your child. Also, Iove the inference that Jacko just has baby bottles laying around Neverland. Very stable. Harmless enough, too.

Stories like this are always the dream of headline writers. The PI topped the story with this headline: "A Different Kind of Drinking Buddy." The Miami Herald went with "Jackson Hits the Baby Bottle." My headline, on the other hand, makes no sense.

Mitch Buchannon: Rap star

Well, schizzle my nizzle, K.I.T.T. Not satisfied with godlike status in Germany, David Hasselhoff of Baywatch and Knight Rider has embarked on another musical career. Once a straight-forward German rocker, Hasselhoff may soon emerge as a force in the German rap world. Kinda like the euro Eminem.

Behind the change is rapper and good friend Ice-T, who probably overrates Hasselhoff a little bit. "The man is a legend, we are going to show a whole new side of him," Ice-T said. "He's gonna come out as Hassle the Hoff. The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humour."

Seven dogs of destruction

You know some sort of contest is bound to ensue when three guys go to The Ballpark on the famed "Dollar Hot Dog Night." Though I was the victor at the game with seven hot dogs eaten, late tonight, I am very much the loser. I've already reached for the acid-reducing tablets and now wish I had bought brand name rather than generic. It ain't working fast enough.

I have a long and proud history of eating contests from pie, pizza, pudding and now hot dogs. And I've always marveled at my roommate's accomplishment of 75 Vienna Sausages. But I think it's time to quite.

Spare vs. Spare

Touring the lower level of the ballpark today, we ran into a couple interesting people. One was David Sessions who was on a mission with the Fort Worth Star Telegram at the time. Then, we discovered four arguably spare Rangers players at the corners of the stadium signing autographs.

Of course, we grabbed our dollar hot dogs and went autograph seeking. Our first option was Mickey Callaway. We passed, hoping for better. But then came the highlight: Dave Dellucci. I got the outfielder to sign my hat. And after I asked him about the kiss he got from Anna Kournikova, we debated whether we made the best bet going with Dellucci or going for our fourth or fifth option. We later learned that if we had passed on the Delucci autograph, we would have been forced into some no-name long reliever or Brian Shouse. We win.

Little House on the Prairie

While still driving south on US-75 in Kansas today, I passed a historical marker advertising "Little House on the Prairie" if I took my next left. I did. Wasn't worth it.

Expecting some Michael Landon memorablia or even t-shirts, all I got was this:



A little house. On the prairie. I was later informed by signs that this was not actually where the filming for the TV show was done. Nor is it really a log cabin that anyone ever lived in. And I'm not even 100% sure that the spot is the exact location Laura Ingalls Wilder had a little house on the prairie. But it is the official site.

Again, I've been duped.

281st Street

Drove past 281st Street today. It was quite a sight -- you know, the drive all the way from downtown, out 281 blocks into the burbs. Did I mention I was in Tulsa, Oklahoma?

Driving back from Topeka, Kans. on US-75, I discovered Tulsa must be the most ambitious city in the United States. Not only are they planning to grow, they're aiming at 281 blocks of department stores, Starbucks, high rises and McDonalds from downtown (First Street) all the way miles south of town (281st Street). I cannot imagine any city needing to number its streets all the way to 281. Not even The Count is that audacious.

Anyways, next time you drive through Tulsa, look out for some sort of miracle on 281st Street. Perhaps they'll pave it someday.

Brown vs. Board of Education

Today I was in Topeka, KS for the 50th Anniversary of Brown vs. Board of Education. I'm typing up my story after watching both President Bush and Senator John Kerry commemerate the day. Bush's motorcade was huge, but Kerry's speech was longer, so I've declared a draw.

Having watched "Shattered Glass" a couple days ago, I've decided to take photographs with my camara at events I visit. See, you can't be charged with pulling a Stephen Glass or a Jason Blair if you have photos to prove you were there. I took the picture at the state capital during Kerry's speech. Here's an example of what the best my Sanyo 5200 phone can do:



After Kerry finished, one dude with a sleeping back on his shoulder shouted, "Equal Cannabis Rights," and then started to drop some F-bombs. Police were kind enough to allow his rant, even the part where he promised marijuana would "fund our schools, man, fund everything."

WWWT

From the What Was Willie Thinking files:

Johnny Lee & Willie Nelson

This album was made in 1985 during Willie's indefensible duet days. I might assume that Willie and Johnny Lee trade choruses of the great urban cowboy hit "Lookin for Love" or perhaps Willie's tragically cheesy "Living in the Promiseland." Certainly 1985 was not Willie's finest year. Could anyone review this Johnny Lee and Willie Nelson collaboration?

A Welcome

Welcome to The Orthogonian. Blogs are the most audacious thing ever - as if someone wants to read about your personal life. And I swore I'd never do one. But here I am. Regular posts should start during the summer. Until then...

www.homestarrunner.com